theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
