She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
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