I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
