Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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