New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
