my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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