it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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