Well apparently he's into motor boating.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
