the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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