Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
