Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
