I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
