my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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