Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
