Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
