I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
please come you make the beer taste better
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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