Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
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you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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