So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm passing your future prison.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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