my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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