We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
