I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
