My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
