I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Be still, my beating vagina.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
