I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
