somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
