If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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