Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
