Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
