isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
