I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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