Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
