he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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