so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
