I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
