I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
