someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
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