There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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