GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
