You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
