I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
