One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
