i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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