dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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