Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We named our party play list daddy issues
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
