I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
