I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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