You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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