I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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