Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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