it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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